Saturday, March 10, 2012

Deep Thought While Raking

I'm a people pleaser. Let's just say the word "no" was not in my vocabulary for a long long time, unless I thought you wanted me to tell you no, like You: "Does this make my butt look big?", Me: "No". My happiness was solely based on what people thought about me, my so called accomplishments, especially if someone else noticed, and if I was making others around me happy. I honestly used to think that if others were happy, I would be happy. Needless to say I had a huge problem with approval. I sought it like the holy grail. Do you think it worked? It didn't? I couldn't make everyone happy, I couldn't find the unconditional love I wanted with people, and I surely didn't have everyone's approval.

It took me a long time to figure out that God loves me unconditionally and accepts me totally AND that this is enough. It started back in the late 80s and probably didn't really become saturated into my being until.....well, this week. No, usually I have a pretty good handle on it. But I can tell you, it is still a fight sometimes.

I've learned to think before I speak. I try very very hard not to say yes without thinking. Do I really want to do this? Does God want me to or is the guilt from others and not him? Is this something that I am doing just to make someone else approve of me more.

Now, think about this issue with me, and combine that with what I was taught growing up, Ask once, and don't beg. "Asking me more than once is just going to make me _____. (mad). I'll bet my son and my girls could fill that word in. It was how I was raised. My dad thought long and hard about things before he would answer. But his answer was in stone. You did not beg my parents to let you do things. This DID NOT WORK!! (btw it didn't stop me from trying)

I find myself at this stage of life getting very cranky when people ask me more than once to do something when I have already said no. At this time in my life, I think very hard about something before I say no, and sometimes it is very hard for me to say no. So when someone has a hard time taking no for an answer it isn't because they know the dilemma that I went through to get to the word no. Who knows what their psychosis is?

So, as I was raking, I was wondering, is this pattern one that was set from generation to generation. Is there a people pleaser in my past that had to get over it too? Or was there someone who just couldn't take no for an answer and this is the boomerang from that person.

There are some things that I think are pretty cool from all this:
God does love me unconditionally!
God wants me to ask him repeatedly and it doesn't bug him at all.
And anyone who doesn't like me is crazy! oh wait, maybe that's anyone who does like me is crazy!

Anyway, back to my knitting.